2You have searched me, Lord,
and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue
you, Lord, know it completely.
5 You hem me in behind and before,
and you lay your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.
7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,”
12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.
13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
17 How precious to me are your thoughts,[a] God!
How vast is the sum of them!
18 Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand—
when I awake, I am still with you.
19 If only you, God, would slay the wicked!
Away from me, you who are bloodthirsty!
20 They speak of you with evil intent;
your adversaries misuse your name.
21 Do I not hate those who hate you, Lord,
and abhor those who are in rebellion against you?
22 I have nothing but hatred for them;
I count them my enemies.
23 Search me, God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
24 See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.
Each of us are wonderfully and fearfully made. This point applies to everyone even high school shooters, serial killers, terrorists or that bully on the playground. We need to forgive their acts of cruelty and pray they find God’s love and redemption.
This point is easy to grasp for me. I can teach it and preach it, yet I struggle to forgive myself. This is a hard blog for me to write because I am exposing a huge vulnerability.
After I got diagnosed with thyroid cancer I really learned what living with a chronic illness entails. I was so excited I was still living after the diagnosis that it took a while to feel the shame and guilt of letting so many people down. Yes, this is my interpretation, and I know it sounds harsh and yes even pathetic, but I still struggle on bad days to remind myself that I am living and even though it is a down day of just resting…I am still fearfully and wonderfully made and God is right there!
Let me explain a little more. This morning I woke up for instance with lots of pain and allergy issues. I had put some book writing duties on my agenda for the day, but rest is the activity that will have to take over. I start feeling guilty before I even get out of bed. Nobody makes me feel this way, but I believe we are our hardest critics. Ken is beyond supportive, but I still dwell in doubt and anxiety.
I was praying for strength and a more positive attitude this morning. This Psalm came to mind. The Holy Spirit was clearly showing me that whether I am sleeping, working or just sitting quietly…God is right there! He loves me and I am fearfully and wonderfully made. This gave me so much peace and hope. I know that it will take prayer and reading this Psalm over and over before I am totally free from this negative behavior, but I am on the right track and I feel blessed!
It is my prayer that you can also forgive yourself. Whether it is a deliberate action you need to work on or perhaps you just feel inadequate. Remember that you are fearfully and wonderfully made and God is always with you!